another goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch tale
way back a long time ago (1998), I had an girlfriend, whom I will refer to as the goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch girlfriend. She was all that and more.We were both "writers", which is to say we both wrote. However, teen angst was never my strong suit, whereas it was her only one. She wrote one story that wasn't about death, abandonment, blood, or some such dark topic, and that story was about a living cup of coffee. She just loved that death poetry.
Anyways, because we were both "writers", we both kept journals of some variety. I kept ones that fit easily into my coat because I wanted to be able to write anytime I had an idea. Back then, I was high on the idea that my best thoughts come away from the computer, and so it's good to have something to write them down. While I still believe that, I've also come to acknowledge that, on occasion, good ideas are forced out at a set time rather than carefully crafted. Sometime you just can't let it go at it's own pace.
So for the most part, my Journal was all about writing. It was ideas and doodles and nothing very serious. Though I had lots of shit going on at all times, I wasn't about to be writing it down. My thoughts are my own, and all that jazz.
Her journals, however...those are something different.
She kept two. One was her "life" journal, which was mostly crap about how awful her life was, how much her mother drove her crazy, how much she hated school and herself and everything. The second one, though, that was her "secret" journal. She wanted a journal that I would never read. I'm guessing it was the "all about the evils of joe and how I'm cheating on him" journal.
I thought it was weird, not to mention a little disrespectful. See, I refused to read her Journals, even her "life" journal. I didn't want to pry, and I definately didn't want to get the wrong impressions. I wanted to believe that if she had a problem with me, she'd tell me. That if I wasn't pleasing her in some fashion, she'd let me know. I didn't see why she needed a secret journal, and I didn't see why it was so important to her. But then, as I said, I never wrote my life down.
Anyways, the goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch eventually left me, and I haven't spoken to her in ages. Just as a reference point, I started dating Jaia over 3 years ago, and it was at least 9 months before that that the goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch and I last communicated. And that, if I remember correctly, was a form-letter email to all her friends for some school assignment.
And now, I'm sitting here, staring at my blog, thinking about those days. And I'm wondering: What was it that she didn't want me to know? Was it just her cheating on me, or was there more there? Was she unhappy? Did I do wrong? Maybe she just realised I'm a goodfornothingsonofabitch, and didn't want me to find out.
Too bad I already know.
Regardless, I think the idea of keeping secrets from your loved one is silly. So I guess if there's one lesson the goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch girlfriend taught me is that secret journals suck.
that's my two cents, anyways
