[11:27 PM]

another goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch tale

way back a long time ago (1998), I had an girlfriend, whom I will refer to as the goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch girlfriend. She was all that and more.

We were both "writers", which is to say we both wrote. However, teen angst was never my strong suit, whereas it was her only one. She wrote one story that wasn't about death, abandonment, blood, or some such dark topic, and that story was about a living cup of coffee. She just loved that death poetry.

Anyways, because we were both "writers", we both kept journals of some variety. I kept ones that fit easily into my coat because I wanted to be able to write anytime I had an idea. Back then, I was high on the idea that my best thoughts come away from the computer, and so it's good to have something to write them down. While I still believe that, I've also come to acknowledge that, on occasion, good ideas are forced out at a set time rather than carefully crafted. Sometime you just can't let it go at it's own pace.

So for the most part, my Journal was all about writing. It was ideas and doodles and nothing very serious. Though I had lots of shit going on at all times, I wasn't about to be writing it down. My thoughts are my own, and all that jazz.

Her journals, however...those are something different.

She kept two. One was her "life" journal, which was mostly crap about how awful her life was, how much her mother drove her crazy, how much she hated school and herself and everything. The second one, though, that was her "secret" journal. She wanted a journal that I would never read. I'm guessing it was the "all about the evils of joe and how I'm cheating on him" journal.

I thought it was weird, not to mention a little disrespectful. See, I refused to read her Journals, even her "life" journal. I didn't want to pry, and I definately didn't want to get the wrong impressions. I wanted to believe that if she had a problem with me, she'd tell me. That if I wasn't pleasing her in some fashion, she'd let me know. I didn't see why she needed a secret journal, and I didn't see why it was so important to her. But then, as I said, I never wrote my life down.

Anyways, the goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch eventually left me, and I haven't spoken to her in ages. Just as a reference point, I started dating Jaia over 3 years ago, and it was at least 9 months before that that the goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch and I last communicated. And that, if I remember correctly, was a form-letter email to all her friends for some school assignment.

And now, I'm sitting here, staring at my blog, thinking about those days. And I'm wondering: What was it that she didn't want me to know? Was it just her cheating on me, or was there more there? Was she unhappy? Did I do wrong? Maybe she just realised I'm a goodfornothingsonofabitch, and didn't want me to find out.

Too bad I already know.

Regardless, I think the idea of keeping secrets from your loved one is silly. So I guess if there's one lesson the goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch girlfriend taught me is that secret journals suck.

that's my two cents, anyways

[12:31 AM]

just to explain

it's the week before finals
and it's more busy than finals week will be
so for the most part Joe&Jaimee
are out to lunch.

(grin)

updates will be better/longer/more frequent shortly

[12:38 AM] funny customer moments:

a woman walked into the cafe today and said, "I need to ask you two questions."
I replied, "ok, ask away."
"What's the difference between a latte and a cappuccino?"
"well a latte is mostly steamed milk, wheras a cappuccino is fo-"
"which one has the cream?"
"the wha?"
"the cream, ya know," She gestured franticly with her hands, making a swirling motion. For a moment, I thought she might mean whipped cream, except that I've never heard of any drinks that were made completely of whip cream. I defaulted to my second best guess.
"well, um... breves are made with half&half."
"yes! that's it! I want two breves." She grinned and then said, "but first, I have another question."
"ok."
"Do you have wireless internet?"
"not yet. We're working on it."
"oh, cause I really need wireless internet. do you know where they have it?"
"well, I know B**ns and Br*ws has it."
"really? I was told to go to St*rb*cks."
"oh, well in that case, there's a St*rb*cks right over there."
"really? great! I'm sorry, I need to cancel my order. I really just need the wireless internet."
And with that, she walked off.
I blinked, then went back and asked my co-worker, "If the wireless internet was so important, why didn't she ask for that first?"
All he could do was shrug.
...
one of my other coworkers, whom I've named sicky, came into work to get a drink from me. While she waited for me to make her iced tea, she asked for relationship advice. What I assumed was a token cry for help turned into a ten minute conversation on the dynamics of people. We played a game of "point-counterpoint" with her using comments that her mother gave her. I argued my favorite mode of thinking: rationality, and ultimately combined that and my power of talking too much into the awesome might of "rant monologue!" After I got done with my speech, she thanked me and walked off. And somehow, despite all that, I still couldn't bring myself to give a damn about her life.
...
at least twice during my shift someone wandered into the cafe, looked long and hard at the bake case, then looked me right in the eye, APOLOGIZED, and walked away. As if somehow, their rejection of my bakery items would leave me crying in the back. Or maybe they were apologizing for me, like "I'm sorry you're you."

anyways, I need to get to bed.
bye bye everyone

[10:55 AM] My day:
discussed love & romance,
got a 91% on the the psyche test,
finished a story,
started another,
got home early,
rode my bike,
and tried a new drink.
All that and it's only noon.

It's great to be not-fucked-up. By that I really mean, it's great that my depression streak is gone temporarily, and though I am majorly stressed out, I can still feel good about my life and how I'm doing. I finished a story that I should've finished saturday, would've finished it had I not instead chosen to read Ultimate Spider-man Vol. 8. I finished it and I'm happy with it, which is really good, all things considered. I also started another which I will try to finish tomarrow or at the latest wednesday. I've still got to get chapter 10 finished in Ben's story, and type up the rest of Part one, but all that aside, I'm doing good.

Well, I'm doing ok.

I'm not much for making friends, building connections, and seeking out company. I used to think it was everyone else, that they, for one reason or another did not desire my company. In reality, though, I am the one who does not desire theirs. I spend most of my time alone, and I'm content to have it that way. I have a bad attitude towards people in general.

And yet, to get anything done in this world you need to have friends. You need people who you can rely on, and you need to be reliable and honest to them. You need people you can help, people you can trust. You need people.

Life is all about sharing. Creation is all about ideas. So a creative life should be all about sharing ideas. You can be a great writer, but unless you have friends who can share honest opinions that are different than your own, you will always write the story half as well as you should. And likewise, you'll be able to help them make their story better. Two writers together are almost unstoppable.

At least, that's my opinion.

Anyways, it's lunchtime, and I'm hungry.
(the miriam post is still coming)

tata everyone

[9:14 PM] To Those Customers Who Just Can't Make Eye Contact:

I know it's a scary thing for you to leave the house some days. I know the light over my register is sufficiently evil in its' greenish hue and probably makes you quiver in your flip-flops. I know the idea of making contact with another human being is a nightmarish thing. I have nightmares about being here too, so believe me when I say I UNDERSTAND.

Also, I can sympathize if you're afraid of the neon pink. The neon pink, I firmly attest, should not under any circumstances be seen on any person's body unless that person exists in a photograph from less enlightened decades. I can't give you a good reason that my store has decided to sell Things That Are Neon Pink in terrifying variety and quantity. It's just the way things are in this ultra-modern world.

But come on. You've gotten this far without getting eaten by the fitting room attendant. The very fact that you have set down a small but impressive stack of modestly upper-arm-concealing solid tees at my register means that you have been in the store long enough to see that we're all more or less un-cannibalistic. As any of my associates could tell you, any employee found killing a customer will promptly be terminated. That should be enough assurance for your safety, I think.

Besides, there are lots of other nice customers in here who haven't been exsanguinated. Some of them are MUCH, MUCH fatter than you and therefore probably taste MUCH, MUCH better. You probably noticed that they're still alive. So I have to confess that I'm a little bewildered.

Why, when I ask you "how are you doing today?" do I get a teeny tiny glance and a miniscule shrug? And when I ask "did you find everything okay?" what would be so horrifying about answering? If you reply with "to be honest, I didn't" do you think I'm going to be hurt? offended? enraged? What makes you think I care?

No, actually, the only response that truly sticks out like a fucking sore thumb is the NON-response. Why can't you bring yourself to say one damned word to me? If you were clever, you'd be on your cell phone like half of the OTHER customers. But I'm starting to doubt that you learned how to speak when you were a kid.

You know, of course, that this does mean war. I can be terribly chatty when speaking to a person I perceive to be an idiot. Sooner or later, you're going to have to look at me. You're going to have to say SOMETHING. And when you do, that's when I'll say "My, what a fucking dumbshit you are! You should learn not to talk to strangers!"

At least, I imagine that's what you're expecting me to say. Grow some balls. I'm not that scary, am I?

[12:29 AM] Dood!
I just got invited to try Gmail!
It's sweet. It is. But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

what I wanted to talk about is: procrastination.

Lissa and I and Jaia went out to dinner, and Lissa brought a book with her on procrastination, so we each took the tests to see where our trouble zones were.

In the test, a score of 10 or higher was considered "major"
I did badly. To show how badly I did, I'll first show Jaia's.

Jaia's Procrastination Results
lower is better

---

Perfectionist: 15
Dreamer: 4
Worrier: 5
Defier: 8
Crisis-Maker: 6
Over-doer: 12

now, my results:

Joe's Procrastination Results
lower is better

---

Perfectionist: 13
Dreamer: 19
Worrier: 14
Defier: 7
Crisis-Maker: 11
Over-doer: 13

In other words: the only way I don't procrastinate is out of defiance.
I am a perfectionist.
I am a dreamer.
I am a worrier.
I am a crisis-maker.
I am an over-doer.
I am a major fucking procrastinist.

So why am I feeling so damn good right now?
I dunno. I just am. Maybe it's because I was right about my major problems. My major problem is that I put off everything. Less of that, now, I say. I will have things done. I will finish typing up part one of my kid's story by next thrusday. I will have written at least 2 chapters of part two, if not more. I will do this because I refuse to let me shut myself down. I'm better than that.

The miriam-mega post is still being worked on. expect it probably tuesday.
tata for now, it's bed time...

[9:33 AM] Current Song: Rise and Shine - Poe []
Current Mood: uh-oh tony.

Jaimee was sick all last week. And the week before. And maybe even the week before that. She's been sick for quite a while. I've been taking care of her, seemingly immune to her illness. Ready and willing to make chicken soup and tea, to give backrubs and leg rubs, to cuddle with her and help her get needed sleep. All this, cause I was healthy.

My throat's beginning to burn, and that's the first sign. Soon my nasal cavities will be gone, clogged up with ickiness. soon I'll be weak and dizzy and tired and cranky and all those things that drive healthy people crazy. Lucky me, I'm getting sick.

I'm sure there's more I should talk about, but those things escape me at the moment.

I'm writing a kinda long piece about an old friend, because we haven't talked in almost 2 years and I kinda want to put the whole thing behind me. Not that I'm mad at her, or anything. Just... She made a choice about her life that I can't support. She decided that what she believed isn't as important as what she was told to believe. Or at least it seems that way. Maybe she was just pretending she wasn't a carbon-copy mormon. I don't know. In highschool she was friends with anyone and everyone. She was the nicest person, and she never judged people.
Now? I can't make the guarentee. I know she's driven people away. I know she's cut people out of her life. She's no longer the model of acceptance that she was before...

But all that will be explained in painful detail in a later post.

In the meantime, I've got better things to worry about.
I found my old neighbor Jenny on yahoo. I'm gonna send her an email and say hi. Oddly, I was never a great friend with Jenny. We walked to school together in my 10th grade year, and I had a crush on her. Nothing came of it and she moved away shortly after that. She is a very smart person, who learned that tits get you everywhere. In 10th grade I wasn't lusting after tits. I was lusting after her mind...and her body. But the body is nothing without the mind. Eventually I got sick of trying to get her to stop being a girl, and moved on.

She came to my house one winter night on my 10th grade year and tried to get me to help steal her step-dad's car. She was all decked up in a short black dress, and she had other boys with her. I was still full on in my lusting after her faze and even so, I knew she was trying to use me. It pissed me off, and I sorta told her to go to hell. I don't think that helped our friendship much.

After she moved we communicated via letters. That lasted about a year. For a while we didn't talk, then all at once she came back into my life for a visit. I was between relationships (and kinda still in the cynical recovery faze) and we hung out. It was a boring ass day. She and her friend talked make-up and boys. I sat there and stared boredly out the window. We went to a little greek resteraunt by my house and then to the University to play pool. The girls tried hitting on college guys and I played pool. It was a very boring day.

We were out of contact for a while after that. She was in California, and I was infatuated with this goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch. Neither of us wrote the other, and for a long time I didn't even so much as think of her.

During this time, I had an erotic dream about her. She, in my dream, was a virgin, and I wasn't. (I think there was a serious reversal of roles going on), but we made love and it rocked! In the morning, whipped that I was, I confessed it to my goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch girlfriend. She promptly took all the letters that Jenny had written to me and burned them. She was fond of burning irreplaceble things.

I thought Jenny was kinda out of my life forever at this point.

Then, after the goth-lesbian-controlling-evil bitch left me for another guy (and a girl), she showed up again. It was about 9 in the morning and I was not awake. We talked, but I dont' remember what about. And then she left. I think I got her email address this time around, but maybe not.

Regardless, I didn't actually see her again for several years. in fact, I really can't remember when we next met. I know we communicated a bit by email, but I'm not sure when she got my email or I got hers. I'm pretty sure we talked at least once, cause I remember her talking about this guy she had a crush on, or something like that. bah, it's all jumbled in my head.

The next distinct time I remember was two years ago. She dropped out of the sky, and landed on my doorstep, asking to use my phone and paying me well for it (5$ for about 10 minutes worth of calls). I was talking to jaimee on the phone when she showed up, and so I let jaimee talk to her. I don't really remember anything except how funny it was watching jenny try to salvage a very badly planned roadtrip.

She was supossed to be heading to boston, I think, but only got from California to Salt Lake. Then they turned around (her and some guy) and went back to california. That was the last I talked with her.

Anyways, I thought I'd email her and see if she's still alive.

yeah...bye everyone

[8:58 AM] Current Song: Siamese Cities - Metric []
Current Mood: Damn I'm good

Did my class presentation today. Did it with only an hour of honest work. That was fun. Of course, it was the last hour I was awake last night, and it cost me sleep, but it's all good. Of course, I have to work today, and my eyesight is having trouble staying non-blurry. But it's all good.

I didn't get anything done during the weekend, and that makes me crazy. What makes me crazier is that last week I didn't work on Ben's Story (or much of anything) at all. I need to focus on that if I'm going to have it done by summer. The story is 1/3rd done, the pop-up book is written but not actually constructed. I'm hoping that will only take a day or two, but we'll see.

I'm broke and I'm out of time. I need to work both more and less. Go to school both more and less. Hang out with Jaimee both more and less. It's a weird feeling being in the ideal spot because any other spot would be more difficult. But it's also true. I'm exactly where I can be, given everything that's going on in my life.

I'm looking into getting a digital camcorder. There's one that's only 350$, which would work out well in our budget. But that's still a lot of money, and more money than we honestly have. Jaimee's voting we dip into the marriage fund as it is really a wedding day expense. She fully intends on having a digital camcorder at the wedding. I agree with her, but I'm worried about how little we've managed to save. The bills are dragging us down, and the fact that no one else in the house has a job means that money is much more precious than it should be. If jaimee and I were splitting rent, factoring in food, it would be pretty much the same.

Anyways, I'm gonna kick it online for a bit...
bye everyone

[9:33 AM] Merlot asked Joe:

1- What is your favorite cartoon?
All time or Currently? Anime or Comedy? All time Anime is Cowboy Bebop. All time comedy is either Freakazoid or The Critic. Currently, I don't watch much TV, but I like The Simpsons and I watch whatever Anime I can catch. Last anime I watched was Last Exile, which was neat.

2- Okay your movie is going to be a big hit what big name actors would you get to play Crazyjimmy, Bitterjoe, and Jamiee? Sorry I don't remember her characters name.
Current "Ultimate" Cast List:
Jimmy Dabomb - I can't really think of anyone currently in hollywood who'd be able to be jimmy. Not that there isn't one. Just that at the moment, I can't think of anyone cool enough. Jimmy's a prick and yet people love him. Short of a very young Val Kilmer, I don't know of anyone who's perfected that roll.
The Bitter Joe - um...I think ideally he'd be played by Ed Norton or Giovanni Ribisi. Cause both of them do "nice guy loser" real well.
Midnight (Jaimee) - Selma Blair cause she's really really cool, or Amanda Peet just cause I think she's attractive.
Fire (also Jaimee...don't ask) - Helana Bonham Carter, cause Fire's a psychopath.

3- Make up a superhero based on something that happened to you today? Well ya know whatever day you read this.
That superhero would have to be called "Lay there in my underwear and watch the news lad" He wouldn't do much except watch interviews with the White House staff and admire how they are, as a general rule, much better at talking with people than the President.

I'm not sure the replies are all that exciting, but there they are.
and with that, I think I'm gonna be off for a bit...

byebye all

[5:49 PM]

I Am Not Sexy

When I was twelve, I had this mental image of my future self. I would be one of those smart sexy tomboy girls, really tall, with a nice tomboy ass and big round tomboy tits. I would wink at boys and they would start salivating. My mouth would be full of witty sarcasm, and all the boys would be blown away by my sharp wit and cunning intellect. (And also my tits.) Life would be so great when I turned sixteen.

At sixteen, I figured I was just a late bloomer. I wore padded bras so people would know I was a girl. I hadn't had a growth spurt, so I was barely above five feet two inches. And I had enormous hips that my ass wasn't really making the best of, but my thighs were. My thighs loved being short and wide, because that meant they could look enormous! Which meant everyone could look at them and admire their girth! And besides, I knew that no one in my high school class had anything else occupying their minds but the tonnage my thighs contributed to the school's second-story weight-bearing floors.

Needless to say, I fucking loved puberty.

I'm not sure quite when it happened, but over time my ass and thighs have compacted to a more muscular, less jiggly density. Which is about the only positive thing I can say. I am still five feet two inches. I still have no tits to speak of. When I try to wink, I usually fuck it up such that what comes out is an accentuated, non-sexy, slightly manic blink. I don't think that's very cool, even though I wanted to be Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie when I was a kid. My hips look less big than they did when I didn't know that growing hips were a normal part of puberty, but they're not bootylicious. I think the shake-that-ass mechanism is broken, and I don't think I'll be getting my money back.

My voice is manly and doesn't say Come-Hither. In fact, I believe it says Go-Thither or whatever the appropriate opposite of Come-Hither is. My eyebrows are unruly and regularly attempt hostile takeover of my forehead. I shave them sometimes, but I worry that my hand will slip and obliterate them entirely, which isn't an acceptable compromise. I sweat more than any non-primate should sweat.

Since I've been engaged to Joe, I've worried about these things less. In the winter, my legs go unshaven for months at a time, and he doesn't leave me. My mouth is full of snide comments that are more or less witty and/or cunning, depending on whether or not anyone has pissed me off. This happens easily, as I am not a very nice person.

Which is why I would tell my younger self: Shut the fuck up and quit whining. You're not sexy and you never will be. But there's worse things in life you could be missing.

Like arms. You couldn't even really type without those.

[11:50 PM] I know few people read this, so I probably shouldn't even worry much about it, but I'm going to put this up anyways:
[taken from Lissa's LiveJournal]

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

I meant to put it up a few days ago, and then I didn't...

yeah...

[11:36 PM]

Best E-mail Scam Ever

Got This In The Ol' Email Today:

Dear XXXXX, (It had my last name, which I'm removing)

I am barrister Mark Anthony. A solicitor at law, I am the personal attorney
to Mr. Larry XXXXX. A foreigner to my country, who used to work with Oil
Refinery Company in Nigeria. My client, Mr. Larry, his wife and their three
children were involved in a car Accident along SHAGAMU express road in which
all occupants of the motor died.

My Client {LARRY} deposited the sum of $8 Million United State Dollars with
a finance company for himself, with the hope of transferring it to his country
as soon as he is on leave. Since his death I have made several enquiries
to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful.


After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name
over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted
you. I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left
behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable
by the Finance Company where this huge deposit were lodged. Particularly,
the finance company where the deceased had an deposit valued at about $8
Million United State Dollars has issued me a notice to provide the Next
of Kin or have his deposited Fund confiscated within the next ten official
working days.

Since i have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 years
now I seek your consent to present you as the Next of Kin of the deceased
since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this Account valued
at $8 Million United State Dollars can be transfer to you as the Next of
Kin to my late client.

All necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may
make will be obtain accordingly. All I require is your honest cooperation
to enable us seeing this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed
under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of
the law. On conclusion of this transaction, I will travel to meet with you
for a business partnership with your advice.

Please get in touch with me by my alternative email: markassociate@consultant.com
also forward your full names and address, Your private telephone and fax
number, upon the receipt of your response i will advice you on how to contact
the Bank directly before the fund gets confiscated.

Best regards,

Mark Anthony.
Mark Anthony & Associate
Direct Line: 234-803-3321055

Isn't that just great? I can make $8,000,000 just by having the right last name? sweet! I mean, sweet if it wasn't just a total fraud, which it is. But what a great scam. Whatever the scam is. It's just great. Wonderful, really. Stupendous. I could make $8,000,000. yeah. Like the IRS isn't going to look very closely at any documents that give a guy like me that much money. The IRS is going to go "oh you have the same last name, well that's good enough, right?"

Especially as it is an Italian name. Which means the guy (mythical though he is) would likely have relatives all over the place, who, unless he was a major fucking outcast, would happily claim him as kin. Italians keep in touch.

And LARRY? who'd give a guy named LARRY 8 million dollars? I don't know of a single Larry in my family tree.
It's just a bad name. This entire thing stinks.

oh well, another day, another scam email.

[8:58 AM] Current Song: Blue Monday - Flunk []
Current Mood: pissed

Ok, another thing that pisses me off:
I'm tired of being asked to apologize for the past. Not my past, but the past of the people who lived in this country before me. The people who were racist, the people who were judgemental, shallow minded idiots. The people who made decisions that were unjust and stupid. People who were dead long before I was born. I refuse to apologize on their behalf. They did what they did, and I do what I do. People should be judged on who they are, not who their ancestors were. That cuts to the entire heart of racism, doesn't it? Can you truly be unbiased if you really can't see the difference between the people and society a hundred years ago and the people and society of today? Ok, I'll admit that there is still racism, sexism, and descrimination. But not in me. I will apologize for my actions, and I will do my damndest not to let anyone around me act with an unfair hand, but I will not try to apologize for a past I was not a part of.

In other news, I've got something silly like 12 t-shirt designs for pixelation. I'm likely going to put the company together May-June, and work my ass off on promotion. Part of that promotion will be Comixa 2.0, which will feature Guys In Color 2.0

I think I'll also do a "chaotic design" t-shirt line. Mostly just the creepy designs I've done. I'll make them look all kickass and do those too. Hmmm...anyone have any other ideas for t-shirts or t-shirt lines?

alright, I've vented, I feel better.
tata everyone

[10:49 AM] Current Song: Waterside - Ruby []
Current Mood: Grood.

So I scripted out Pop-up book I want to write. It's a simple story, and hopefully I'm not being to crazy about the possibilities. It's got two sections that I'm a bit worried about, but it's all good. It's thirteen pages long. now, all I need to do is learn to draw, get some good quality paper to make it on and I'm all set :-P

as for the rest of Ben's story, I'm stuck. It's not that I don't know what I want to write, it's that I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to write it. I've never really been a ship guy, so the experiences of being on a ship are a bit strange to me. it's intimidating me a lot more than it should.

Collen's story is on hold still, pending the completion of Ben's story.

Guys in Color part II is almost finished. The characters are all in their new form, I've got the new layout finished, now all I need to do is write some comics...if people want, I can post here a sample of what the new comics look like. I think they look kinda nice.

I'm working on a cafe TV show, but only idly, usually after a long day at work, or the day after a long day at work.

I'm also working on T-shirts, but that's also idly. I'm thinking I'll buy a CafePress membership, so I can host lots of T-shirts. Then I'd host all sorts of things through it. We'll see, I guess.

That's it for now, I guess.

---

News Item Of Note: Altered Mouse Turns 136 in Human Years

---

alright, bye bye everyone

[8:58 AM]

haha

yeah, so I lost my headphones somewhere...
I think I was just too cleaver and tucked them away in a pocket of one of my shirts or some such. But they're gone, and I miss them. I just don't know how I'm going to get home without any music. I could walk, and I might, but I don't think I can take the bus. I'm not very good near people, and that bus is always really crowded. hardly important, just babble.
I went to both classes again. (yay) And found out that my humanities paper isn't due for some time, which is good. very very good. I went to psychology and listened to more "evils of america" speech. We're very good as a nation at hating ourselves for who we are. We don't want to fix our individual problems, just blame the mass of society for our troubles.

Problem: Mcdonald's is evil
Solution: DON'T EAT THERE
Problem: Americans are all about taking (gimmie gimmie mine mine)
Solution: GIVE SOMETHING BACK

Instead of bitching, perhaps, about the things you cannot change, try actually fixing those problems in yourself that you think are the problem. I hear the same damn speeches about women's oppresion.

Problem: Women are expected to be thin and beautiful
Solution: DON'T GIVE IN TO EXPECTATIONS & DON'T HOLD PEOPLE UP TO A SILLY STANDARD

and now I'm getting told that men are having the same problems

Problem: Men are expected to be muscular (with the 6-pack and the muscles and the tight ass)
Solution: FUCK IT! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! YOU ARE GIFTED WITH FREE WILL! USE IT!

I mean, really people, it isn't so hard. Just think before you act. Ask yourself "Am I doing this for me? or for them." And when you realise you're not being true to yourself, then stop. If you feel that Americans should act a certain way, then act that way. Lead by example. Be kind to your neighbor and the world will be a better place. It really is that simple.

gah!

I wrote this down in my notebook today:

"It is sometimes easy to forget that
society is less like a brick
and more like a pile of sand.
That a society is no more,
and also no less,
than the sum of the individuals
who comprise it."

I'm tired of hearing about the unfriendly society around us, or the corruption around us, or the whatever. People don't try to be good to one another, and then wonder why no one is being good anymore. If you can't take the responsibility onto yourself to be a good person, then you can't complain. And if you do take the responsibility, then you'll find you don't need to complain as much. You'll find that you have a direct affect on those around you. By being good instead of bitchy, you can make your world a better place. It really is the only way...

anyways, I'm going home
bye now

[9:03 AM] Current Song: Departures - The Karminsky Experience []
Current Mood: Bored.

Congratulations go to me. I went to both classes.

I knew I was going to go to Humanities both because I didn't on monday and because I volunteered to administer the Teacher Evaluation, which was today. However, I argued with myself for several minutes about Psychology. I only decided to go because I know I'm ditching it Friday, and it seemed wrong to ditch a class twice in a week. The lecture was dull, the teacher was dull, the class was dull. So while I sat in psychology, I actually drew pictures on graph paper, and only barely listened to what was going on....

School as a whole has become a blur for me. The individual classes blend together, and lose coherancy. I can't focus on the material, and I'm having a hard time paying attention to the teachers. I'm bored and wish I could find something more worthwhile. I feel more and more like I'm rotting away here. I need a direction, and a purpose. I need a place to go. And while there's lots of places I could go, I won't get to any of them today. And that's the part that gets to me. I'm really really impatient. I want it, and I want it now.

I don't want to go to school for 5 years just so I can maybe sorta kinda do something that maybe I want to do. I want to do what I want right now. I'm so eager to do something that I'm actually having a hard time figuring out what exactly I want to do. Something fun and challanging. I hate being bored.

But bored I am. And bored I remain. I'm thinking of starting up my T-Shirt line again. Actually...Hmmm...
I think I may actually register Cafe Press, and sell t-shirts... yes...


anyways, I'm gonna go play a game or something...
bye bye

[11:21 PM]

Perky & Blonde

Since I'm still an undergraduate at the University of Utah and don't live with my parents, I work about twenty-four hours a week at a crummy, shitty part-time job to keep my DSL running and my computer empowered. Working while in school has its plusses and minuses. Mostly, I'm happy that I'm working because it's good to have money. Even if it is only a little.

This semester I know I've been a definite pain in the ass to be around because I'm taking nineteen credit hours of coursework. Usually I'm either tired and worn out and cranky, or manic and fuzzy-haired. (No, there is no middle ground.) I don't have much time for the sorts of things that keep me sane. And when I do have time, the things that keep me sane are also the things that make me crazy. Like coding a website at two in the morning when the caffeine's kicking in and I'm too wired to notice syntax errors.

But all this is okay, because I'm a workaholic when it comes to school. And so with nineteen credits and A's in all my classes, I'm still happy somewhere inside myself because I know I kick ass and get good grades and will graduate in a year with a stellar academic record. I know that's a somewhat pathetic, hate-inspiring achievement. But tough fucking luck; those are my sentiments.

That sort of devotion to school is what makes me get up in the morning and go to school in the clothes I slept in. When I noticed that I had been sleep-depriving myself and needed to sleep longer, I just started going to bed at night in clothes I knew I could roll out of bed in the morning and go to school wearing. Old Navy Performance Fleece lounge pants rock.

I'm low-maintenance enough that this sort of thing doesn't bother me in the slightest. I don't care that I look like the twelve-year-old androgynous geek that I was eight years ago when I wear my glasses. So what if each dear little Mormon sweetheart that has to sit behind me in each of my classes has to look at the back of my unwashed head? They can feel good about themselves that they have prettier hair than me. I don't give a shit.

So I was absolutely tickled when I got on my bus this morning, looking all bedheady and wrinkly, and ran into one of my co-workers. She's perky, blonde, and a favorite among favorites at work. The managers love her because people love her. They recognized her for providing the most excellent customer service a few months ago. This pissed me off because I know that there are quite a few people that I work with that deserve that award more than she did. But she's cute and probably endearing, which is enough for me not to like her.

She was all friendly and high-pitched with me and did that thing that women do, "chitchatting", which shouldn't be a verb but is, and blazed through the topics of grades, weather, and work without batting an eyelash out of turn. And when we got to school and got off the bus at the same stop together, I somehow felt like I was tagging along with her even though we were going to the same building. (That's what I get for being short and having stubby little legs.)

But all that aside, I got to feel all smug and superior about one thing. She got C's on her midterms. I got A's. Deep down, it shouldn't be something arbitrary like attractiveness that determines one's self-worth. It should totally be something arbitrary like grades.

[8:57 AM]

Missing Humanities? I wouldn't say I missed it at all.

Current Song: Are You Happy Now? - Michelle Branch []
Current Mood: (shrug)

School is dull. I skipped Humanities cause I showed up late, and thought my time would be better spent drinking coffee in the cafeteria. On the way to my next class, someone stopped me and asked me why I didn't go. I shrugged, said "Dunno." then, to answer the confused look on his face, I launched into a monologue about how much class bores me. I don't think he was much impressed.

After that, another person from that class asked me where I was. I gave the same shrug, and said "Dunno." and she said "well, wednesday we're looking at art, so you should probably go."

yeah, I probably should.

anyways, Psychology was deathly dull. There was a 20-minute presentation that took the entire class period, in which people talked about the evils of Eating Disorders. As usual, towards the end of class, it turned from "Why do they do this?" to "It's not their fault, society makes them" and "American Society is all about excess. We should be more like the Europeans." As a culture, I think our number 1 problem is our unwillingness to blame our individual selves. We're quick to point out the errors of our fellow man, but we rarely turn our insights on ourselves. If women have a problem with anorexia, maybe the problem is women. Maybe we need to figure out how to keep the women from acting this way. Now men too are being suckered into Eating Disorders. The solution? STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT!

man, that's so easy. I feel so...good.
damnit.

Anyways, rather than taking notes or even really paying attention, I wrote the summeries for the first 10 episodes of my Cafe TV show. Episode one has a detailed summery, while episodes 2-10 are just vague ones. I need to polish it up. I'm really excited about it cause it's different from most of what's on TV, in general. I need to figure out how to go from here to either making it or selling it.

But man, it's funny. Jimmy, my ever-present super-cool ADD-influenced weird-nice-asshole guy is his ever-charming self. Joe's a lot cooler than I usually let him be. I put Mr.Mike in, and he's even more cynical than usual. It's so much fun to write.

I don't think Jaimee's very happy that I'm starting another writing project. I think she's worried that by working on one I'll neglect the other, and maybe she's right. Maybe I need to focus more strongly on Ben's story and less on side projects. But writing in general makes me happy. And sometimes I need to take a break, mentally, from a given project so I don't get sick of it prematurely.

With Ben's story, I'm at a difficult point where they run into the pirate captain. It's not actually that difficult. All that needs to happen is that Ben needs to meet him, and convince him to embark on this quest. The problem is that I'm not sure how they do that, and so I'm being really hesitant to get into it. I may just skip it and go on. For some reason, that works when I'm writing a lot better than when I'm taking a test.

alright, I'm gonna go home now.
tata world

[9:54 AM] Current Song: Organic In The Park - The Fur Ones []
Current Mood: Grood...I mean...Good...and Great... Great and Good.

I sat down, first thing this morning and finished chapter 3 of Ben's story!

Current Progress (by chapter)
------------------------------
1 - 100%
2 - 100%
3 - 100%
4 - 75%
5 - 50%
6 - 65%
7 - 65%
8+ - 0% (blah)

I'm happy, almost dancing. I'm taking a break (hopefully a brief one) but then I'm going to go ahead and try to finish 4-7. After that's done, I'll write chapter 8 and that'll wrap up PART ONE.

Hellboy comes out tomarrow. I'm excited about that too, though I don't know when I'm going to see it. Probably not till next week sometime, as Jaimee and I don't have much time during the weekends to do anything. I work and she works, and we go to my dad's for dinner, and blah.

Random Thought: Coffee and Applesauce aren't complimentary at all.

I'm doing a redesign on the Guys In Color. I want to try to get that back up, though I don't know when I will. I guess we'll just see.

anyways, I'm off to play some online games for a bit...tata all...