Blade, Eat Your Heart Out
My dad started up a New Years tradition about 5 years ago. He's not a big traditionalist, so this was quite a thing. His tradition was to go see the last showing of a movie, preferably one that was moderately interesting looking, and also preferably one that ran past midnight.The first year we did this, we went to see Dracula 2000. It was awful
The next year we went to see the original Blade. Now, I have some friends who like Blade, and I forgive them for it. It was easily the stupidest movie I had ever seen.
From quasi-psuedo-science to seizure-light-action-sequences to wesley-snipes-talking-in-his-I'm-wesly-snipes- the-gravelly-voiced-ultra-serious-bad-ass-figure-voice, it had all the makings of a terrible horrible no good useless movie.
It was so bad that we stopped being quiet about our mocking. It was so bad that when the sercurity guy came in, he laughed with our mockery and didn't throw us out. It was really that terrible.
But it was also terribly funny. I remember the movie with some amount of joy, because of how bad it was. How mindless it asked you to be. How much fun we had trashing it.
So when my dad suggested we go see Elektra, I thought to myself "hell, it can't possibly be as bad as blade, and I enjoyed that."
It wasn't as bad as Blade. It was worse. Not because the plot was worse, though there really didn't seem to be one. Not because the acting was bad, though it was. Not even because the actions scenes sucked, though they were so bad and so very very far apart.
It sucked because it wasn't even bad enough to be funny.
About a half-hour in I knew there was problems because the only real fight that had occured had happened off-stage. Elektra had powers that she didn't have in daredevil and yet she seemed to be unable to do the one thing I wanted to see: KILL PEOPLE! I don't go to a super-hero movie expecting an emotional drama. I guess that's supposed to be in there, as filler, but it should never...ever...interrupt the action. She's an assissin. WHY ISN'T SHE ASSASSINATING PEOPLE?
Worse, I'm only barely schooled in Elektra Comic-Book Lore, but the movie seemed to have almost nothing to do with the comic-book character. She wasn't trained right, she wasn't resurrected right, she wasn't nearly as heartless or cold. All she was was a chick who had mood-problems.
They threw in a love interest (though how you're supposed to have a worthwhile relationship when you're dead I dunno), threw in a young girl, threw in a few villians and let the characters sit around for about an hour figuring out what to do.
After that hour, they decided to spice things along, and kinda force a confrontation. This ended with the Super-Assassin-Chick sacrificing her best-friend/contact just so she could run.
SHE RAN FOR 3 QUARTERS OF THE DAMN MOVIE!
She's this ultra scarey assassin girl and she's not doing anything that's ultra scarey or assassiny... she became a pussy.
I DON'T GO TO A SUPER-HERO MOVIE TO WATCH A PUSSY!
I mean, sure, Jennifer Garner is hot. She's got hips that are able to show through even the most conservative clothing, but if she's not kicking ass, then she's not a super-hero, end of fucking story.
Ya know what? I wasted two hours of my life watching that movie, and I'm not wasting any more time being angry at it.
this post is over!
